[Cagdu] FW: Dog Dictionary

[tina thomas]

Subject: Dog Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest
room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give
you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get
the drool on the human.

SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human
exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test
your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off
with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers
to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body
fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash
out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves
and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them
in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the
person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain
amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the
danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the
house before your person comes home.

BATH : If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous,
and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake
only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!," especially if your
person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie
events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a
fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A manoeuvre to use as a last resort when the regular bump
doesn't get the attention you require ... especially effective when combined
with the sniff. See above.

CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one
assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase.  If they
fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction.
The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a
human will love you in return.


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